Like many of my clients, I spent a long time thinking I wasn’t a perfectionist. I’m ok with the house being messy from time to time, I try not to compare myself with others, and I don’t mind making small mistakes occasionally.
But then I learned that perfectionism isn’t always what we think it is. It’s nuanced and complex, but it’s certainly worth understanding, and in particular exploring how some of its characteristics might be impacting not just you, but also your relationships.
For some people, perfectionism shows up as you would expect it to – a desire to be flawless in all areas of life, but more often, the word itself is misleading because perfectionism isn’t really about being perfect.
Whilst it frequently involves having at least some unrelenting standards, it also means having a vigilant inner critic, a persistent sense you’re not good enough and a sense of shame when you make a mistake. And it’s likely linked to your sense of worthiness. True perfectionism occurs when a person ties their self-worth to achieving very high standards, but it also involves the fear of others’ judgement or criticism.
In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown suggests that having such standards is one way we try to protect ourselves from blame, vulnerability, judgement, or shame.
At its core, perfectionism is less about aiming for perfection and more about avoiding mistakes, negative feedback and the discomfort you feel when you don’t perform flawlessly or appear how you believe others expect you to be.
There’s an important difference between aiming for excellence and perfectionism. Excellence allows for learning, experimentation and mistakes. Perfectionism doesn’t.
While healthy excellence is driven by a desire to grow and succeed, perfectionism is fuelled by a fear of failure alongside rigid, often impossible expectations of yourself. Perfectionism causes you to view an error as proof of your worthlessness, leading to harsh self-criticism. When you’re pursuing excellence, you view mistakes as valuable lessons, and when you make one, you maintain an attitude of self-compassion.
Why perfectionism happens
Psychologists suggest that perfectionism typically stems from a blend of your genetic predisposition and early childhood experiences.
When a person grows up receiving love, praise, or the feeling of safety only when they achieve high grades, win awards or remain quiet and well-behaved, they internalise the message that they are only lovable if they’re flawless. Over time, perfectionism becomes a protective shield deployed to avoid the pain of shame, rejection, or criticism. Essentially, the subconscious mind convinces itself that staying perfect is the only way to stay safe and accepted.
The impact it has
When perfectionism takes hold of us, it can erode our ability to enjoy our lives. It can stop us from trying new things or doing anything that we can’t do well initially. Our attention becomes narrowed towards what is wrong with our efforts, what’s incomplete in ourselves or our projects, and we become overly focused on the things we haven’t yet achieved. Even ordinary achievements can feel somewhat unsatisfying.
Most of us recognise this pattern in ourselves at times, but psychological frameworks such as the Hewitt-Flett Perfectionism Scale suggest that perfectionism often shows up in three distinct ways, impacting not just how we feel about ourselves, but also how we interact with others.
Self-Oriented: Demanding flawlessness from ourselves and harshly criticising ourselves when we don’t meet our own internal standards.
Other-Oriented: Feeling disappointed or irritated when others don’t meet our own expectations.
Socially Prescribed: Believing that others will only accept or love you if you perform perfectly. Feeling burdened by expectations we believe others have of us.
Working with perfectionistic patterns
Different expressions of perfectionism tend to soften in slightly different ways, but they all begin with awareness. Have a read through the following three areas to see if any apply to you.
- Self-oriented perfectionism – when your own standards feel relentless
This is often the most challenging form of perfectionism. It can contribute to procrastination, overworking, constant checking, or feeling mentally frozen when it comes to decision-making or taking action.
Your high standards aren’t the main problem – they help you to grow, improve and create meaningful work. The difficulty arises when your standards have become so rigid that they don’t allow for mistakes, experimentation or being human.
Try these tips:
- Practice being ‘good enough’ by intentionally completing low-stakes tasks to an 80% standard rather than 100%.
- Aim to catch your self-critical talk and ask yourself if you would speak to a friend that way.
- Separate your worth from your appearance, your job title, the behaviour of your children or the quality of your home, to remind yourself that these things are not the measure of who you are as a person.
2. Other-oriented perfectionism – when your standards for others feel hard to relax
When you find yourself frustrated that others aren’t meeting your expectations, pause and get curious about whether your expectations are realistic or fair. Other people will have different priorities, capabilities and their own ways of doing things. What feels obvious or important to you may not be the same for them. If you’re directing or parenting others, check in to ensure your expectations have been clearly communicated. Often, people can’t meet needs they don’t fully understand.
Clear and direct communication can ease tension more effectively than ongoing frustration.
Try these tips:
- Check in to see if your standards for others are realistic or fair.
- Focus on appreciating the effort someone showed, even if the final result was slightly different to what you hoped for or expected.
- Delegate a task completely and stay committed to not micromanaging or criticising the outcome.
3. Socially prescribed perfectionism – when you feel weighed down by others’ expectations
Few things are more anxiety-provoking than feeling that you are falling short of what others expect from you. In these moments, it helps to distinguish between what is actually expected and what is assumed or imagined.
Before overcommitting or overthinking, it can be useful to clarify what truly needs to be done, by when, and to what standard.
If others’ expectations are real but feel unmanageable, there might be room for a conversation. Boundaries can sometimes be renegotiated and expectations adjusted. And occasionally, it becomes clear that something is simply not yours to take on (for example, when the person in question is an unidentified perfectionist themselves).
- Just because someone expects something of you does not mean you are required to meet it.
- Test the waters by intentionally sharing a minor mistake or vulnerability with a trusted friend.
- Define your own values to clarify what matters to you, rather than trying to anticipate what others want or feeling that you need to meet everyone’s demands or needs.
- Set clear boundaries by saying ‘no’ to extra commitments to break the habit of people-pleasing.
Three steps that can help
Three things can be especially helpful with all forms of perfectionism: awareness, self-compassion and small steps to behavioural change.
Awareness means noticing when your stress or anxiety is being driven by internal pressure.
Self-compassion means responding to yourself in the way you might respond to someone you care about. Not lowering your care or commitment, but softening the tone you use with yourself.
And finally, change happens through small acts of experimentation. If you tend to over-check your work, try checking once and letting it be. If sending something imperfect feels difficult, experiment with tolerating small imperfections and noticing what actually happens.
Over time, these small shifts can loosen the grip of unrelenting standards.
Letting go of perfectionism doesn’t mean lowering your standards or not caring. It means having the courage to learn, experiment and make mistakes, while cultivating greater self-kindness and accepting that you’re human.
