In my early twenties, many people were asking me what I wanted to do with my life. At the time, I felt I had fairly limited choices. It was the early 1980s, and the usual options for women were teaching, nursing or secretarial work. None of these felt quite right to me. For the most part, I felt lost and directionless, while it seemed that everyone around me had it all figured out.
Years later, when I began working with clients, I learned that only a handful of people are lucky enough to have absolute clarity about their direction, and an even smaller number stay satisfied with their choices forever.
The reality is that many of us will feel lost at some point in our lives. We often fall into careers without much thought, we outgrow roles and interests, and as we mature, sometimes the things we once found fulfilling no longer feel quite right.
Other aspects of life can mean our roles no longer fit. I’ve worked with many female lawyers and leaders who found full-time work demanding in the early years of motherhood, and others who need flexibility while caring for aging parents. As we move into our older years, we might make choices that are a little less physically taxing, and as we consider approaching retirement, we might be less career-oriented, but still want to fill our days with activities that give us purpose.
Feeling directionless at any stage of life can be uncomfortable, but it shouldn’t be viewed as a failing. It’s a time when we become more aware of what matters most, and an opportunity for growing.
Here are six ways to begin exploring your direction when you’re not quite sure what comes next.
1. Give yourself space to listen in
When your next move feels unclear, it’s tempting to spend a lot of time trying to think your way to a solution. You list your options, weigh up pros and cons, seek advice from others, and worry about making the wrong decision.
Sometimes we become so focused on thinking our way to a solution that we lose touch with our own internal world.
Try reconnecting with yourself through journalling.
Spend ten minutes each morning for the next week writing at the top of the page:
What I want most is…
Then allow yourself to write in a ‘stream of consciousness’ manner. Keep the pen moving on the page and don’t worry about whether your thoughts are logical, practical or consistent. You don’t have to produce anything particularly insightful, and you don’t need to decide what to do with what you write.
Simply give yourself the opportunity to tune in.
You might discover a desire that you’ve been putting aside, a frustration that keeps recurring or an interest you’d like to explore. You may also find that you don’t have any clarity yet, and that’s okay.
Over time, you will begin to notice patterns and themes. These can offer useful clues about what matters to you now, even if they don’t immediately point towards a particular direction.
Reflection isn’t about forcing yourself to find an answer. It’s about becoming more familiar with your own inner world.
2. Pay attention to what gives you energy
Think about the activities, conversations and experiences that leave you feeling more alive, curious or connected. What do you find yourself reading about when you have free time? What kinds of conversations do you particularly enjoy? Is there something you’ve always wanted to learn, or an interest that keeps resurfacing? Make a list of the people who energise you when you spend time with them.
And start to pay attention to anything that leaves you depleted.
This isn’t about deciding that anything that requires effort is wrong for you. Some of the experiences we value most can be challenging initially, and our energy can vary depending on different settings or our circumstances.
The more familiar you become with what engages you, the more information you have to draw on when considering your next steps.
3. Notice the stories that hold you back
Sometimes, it’s difficult to claim a new direction because we’re carrying stories that hold us back.
We may have absorbed ideas about what a successful life should look like, what we ought to be doing at a particular age or what would be considered sensible.
We might also have developed stories about ourselves that make it difficult to consider that an entirely new direction is possible.
Some examples I hear include:
I’m not talented/clever/creative enough.
I’ve failed earlier.
It’s too late to start something new.
I should be doing something more practical.
I can’t make a change because other people rely on me.
Some of these thoughts may reflect genuine constraints or responsibilities. Others may be assumptions that we’ve never really questioned. It’s worth taking the time to explore the difference.
Next, consider what you tell yourself about what’s possible. Can you tap into a story with more possibility or one that connects you with the part of yourself where there is self-belief?
Try to approach this exercise with curiosity and compassion.
A story or belief from an earlier time in your life may have helped you at a certain stage, but doesn’t need to determine what you do next.
4. Allow yourself to explore for now, rather than seeking certainty
One of the reasons we can find it difficult to move forward is that we expect clarity to come before action.
We think we need to be completely clear about what we want. We want to feel confident about our decisions and have a reasonable idea of the outcome before we begin.
But this isn’t always how direction develops.
Sometimes, we learn what we want by trying something. We have a conversation, take a class, revisit an old interest or experiment with an idea, and discover that we enjoy it more than we expected.
At other times, we come to discover that something we thought would suit us doesn’t feel right after all.
Both outcomes are useful.
You don’t have to commit to a new direction simply because you’ve decided to explore it. A small experiment can be a way of gathering information rather than making a permanent decision.
Perhaps there’s a course you’d like to try, someone you can speak to, or a creative project you’ve been considering.
Ask yourself:
What can I try that will help me learn a little more about myself?
The aim isn’t to find the perfect answer. It’s to become more willing to explore possibilities.
5. Take one small step
When we feel uncertain, the idea of making a significant change can be overwhelming. We may believe that we need to make a dramatic decision or reinvent our career before anything can improve.
But meaningful change doesn’t always begin this way.
A small step might involve setting aside an hour each week for the new activity you’re interested in, keeping in touch with someone whose work appeals to you, enrolling in a short course or learning something new on your own.
It might also involve a smaller, less visible change, such as saying no to a commitment, having a conversation you’ve been avoiding or letting go of something that no longer feels right.
The important thing is to choose a step that is realistic for your circumstances and that allows you to explore what matters to you.
As you take action, pay attention to what you’re learning. What feels meaningful? What surprises you? What would you like to do more of, and what might you prefer to leave behind?
You don’t need to move quickly, and you don’t need to get everything right the first time.
Direction can become clearer as you learn more about yourself and your experience of the world.
6. Find meaning right here
It’s helpful to remember that you can still have a meaningful life right now, without having everything worked out.
Rather than asking yourself to find the perfect direction, perhaps begin with a smaller question.
What is one thing I could do this week that might help me learn a little more about the life I want to be living?
You don’t need to know the whole path before you begin. Often, just one small step is enough.
